Clandestine Election News
Posted by Doug Groene at 3/11/2008 12:04 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: CLANDESTINE (klan-des'-tin), ADJECTIVE: Secret or concealed for purposes of deception.
Time for another quick election update. On the Republican side, the National League Central Division of politics, John McCain managed to heroically overcome absolutely no competition. Each of the other Republicans made a fatal mistake. Mayor Rudy Guliani decided his best strategy was not to campaign at all, and to instead spend 4 months and 40 million dollars vacationing in Florida. Mitt Romney decided to let his 7 wives campaign on his behalf. And Mike Huckabee decided to keep the name "Huckabee."
The race for the Democratic nomination is much more complicated. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are nearly tied. Obviously, Democrats are having great difficulty deciding whether they want the first black President of the United States, or the first lesbian President of the United States. Adding to the confusion, before the nomination process even started, Florida and Michigan broke the party rules by moving up their primary dates. Everyone agreed that, as punishment, the votes in these states wouldn't count. The candidates didn't campaign in these states (except for Hillary's clandestine campaigning). The candidates took their names off the ballots in these states (except that Hillary left her name on the ballot). Now one of the candidates- I will let you guess which one- wants the votes in Michigan and Florida to count.
The issue is yet to be decided, but it is disturbing that once again Florida may decide the next President of the United States. As everyone knows, Florida consists entirely of Cubans and decrepit, old people. This became a major problem in the 2000 Presidential election, as Florida officials had no idea how to interpret the bizarre ballot results, and America did not know who won the election. Finally, in the landmark case of Bush v. Gore, the Supreme Court decided that all votes for Fidel Castro would go to Al Gore, and all votes for Franklin Roosevelt would count for George W. Bush. Thus the Government had to scrap plans to create a Department of Fake Science, and the war against SUVs turned into the war against Iraq.
Time for another quick election update. On the Republican side, the National League Central Division of politics, John McCain managed to heroically overcome absolutely no competition. Each of the other Republicans made a fatal mistake. Mayor Rudy Guliani decided his best strategy was not to campaign at all, and to instead spend 4 months and 40 million dollars vacationing in Florida. Mitt Romney decided to let his 7 wives campaign on his behalf. And Mike Huckabee decided to keep the name "Huckabee."
The race for the Democratic nomination is much more complicated. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are nearly tied. Obviously, Democrats are having great difficulty deciding whether they want the first black President of the United States, or the first lesbian President of the United States. Adding to the confusion, before the nomination process even started, Florida and Michigan broke the party rules by moving up their primary dates. Everyone agreed that, as punishment, the votes in these states wouldn't count. The candidates didn't campaign in these states (except for Hillary's clandestine campaigning). The candidates took their names off the ballots in these states (except that Hillary left her name on the ballot). Now one of the candidates- I will let you guess which one- wants the votes in Michigan and Florida to count.
The issue is yet to be decided, but it is disturbing that once again Florida may decide the next President of the United States. As everyone knows, Florida consists entirely of Cubans and decrepit, old people. This became a major problem in the 2000 Presidential election, as Florida officials had no idea how to interpret the bizarre ballot results, and America did not know who won the election. Finally, in the landmark case of Bush v. Gore, the Supreme Court decided that all votes for Fidel Castro would go to Al Gore, and all votes for Franklin Roosevelt would count for George W. Bush. Thus the Government had to scrap plans to create a Department of Fake Science, and the war against SUVs turned into the war against Iraq.
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