Word of the Day: ELUDE  (i-lood'), VERB: To evade; to avoid or escape by speed, cleverness, trickery, etc.

Road rage is very common, and I am not immune. Like most people, I have hurt my hand pounding on the horn a few times. Like most people, I have spent a few years in jail for assaulting another drivers with a tire iron at a red light. I try not to get annoyed when other drivers make simple mistakes, like misjudging how much room they have when merging. After all, to err is human (and to smite people with the vengeful wrath of God is divine). What DOES irk me, however, is when people drive at exactly the speed limit and refuse to go any faster, regardless of how many cars are backed up behind them or how many traffic lights they miss. Some of these people are old. As Jerry Seinfeld famously pointed out, you would think that people very close to death would be in more of a rush to get where they're going. But even more baffling is that many of these speed-limit drivers are young or middle aged.

My theory is that these people are the hardcore criminals of society- the rapists and murderers. Anyone who has seen the show "Cops," knows that the traffic stop is the only method police use to catch serious criminals. The officer pulls someone over for a minor traffic infraction, runs the license plate, then comes back to the car and says "sorry, John Williams of 142 East Main Street, but you have 8 felony warrants outstanding for bank robbery, distribution of crack, and genocide in Darfur. We could have just gone to 142 East Main Street and arrested you at any time, but we don't actually enforce warrants. We knew that someday you would slip up and roll through a stop sign, or run a red light. So NOW you are going to jail." Thus, smart criminals know that as long as they wear their seat belts, drive at the speed limit, and obey all traffic laws, they can get away with any crime, indefinitely.

Here is another tip for criminals. You may have noticed that criminals in high-speed chases NEVER get away. This is because of the news helicopters tracking the suspect's car. No matter how many police cruisers the criminal manages to elude, he can't outrun a news chopper. So, if you find yourself in a high speed chase, use your cell phone to call in a fake news story to one of the major networks. Make sure the story is truly newsworthy. "I just saw Brittany Spears stumbling through the park, high on crack... and she wasn't wearing any underwear." The news choppers will race off to the park, to cover the story, and with a few Luke Duke maneuvers, you will be home free. Just make sure that for the rest of your life, you drive at exactly the speed limit, no matter how many people behind you are honking their horns and screaming obscenities.