Temerity and the Skinny Latte Diet
Posted by Doug Groene at 2/25/2008 10:41 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: TEMERITY (tuh-mer'-i-tee) NOUN: Reckless boldness; rashness.
I love Starbucks. I drink it so much a former boss once asked me if I would like him to skip the middle man and send my paycheck directly to Starbucks. Unlike Shylock, when you prick me I leak hot caramel macchiato. when I go too long without consuming a heavily caffeinated, venti SOMETHING, I get a splitting headache and I grow a third arm that pops out from my stomach, beats people to death, and steals their coffee. (Caffeine addiction GETS what caffeine addiction WANTS).
One of the reasons I have supported Starbucks for so long is the sheer temerity of building a business around selling a thimble full of coffee and a cup of steamed milk for FIVE DOLLARS! You have to respect that level of audacity. (How do you say chutzpah in Fritalian?). The latest promotion is a drink called the "skinny latte." This beverage has no sugar so, whereas a normal latte contains 1,562 calories, the skinny latte only has 984. This is welcome news to the 84% of America that is disgustingly obese (this figure is based on a scientific observation I recently performed in a local Wal-Mart) because now we can all have an extra toffee-nut-powdered-donut-pancake-surprise with our morning lattes.
Now that the health revolution has hit Starbucks, it is only a matter of time before the company finds a Jared-like spokesman to promote the skinny latte. This spokesman must be a charismatic, formerly obese man who has shed hundreds of pounds by drinking 3 skinny lattes a day (and injecting himself with heroine. But, like Subway, I am guessing they won't mention the heroine part in the commercials). Except for the charisma, the "formerly," the shedding hundreds of pounds, and the heroine, I fit the spokesman description perfectly. I have therefore made it my mission to land this role and have officially embarked on the skinny latte diet. I will keep you updated on my progress (and/or severe illness and ensuing lawsuit against Starbucks for blatant failure to warn the public not to go on a skinny latte diet).
I love Starbucks. I drink it so much a former boss once asked me if I would like him to skip the middle man and send my paycheck directly to Starbucks. Unlike Shylock, when you prick me I leak hot caramel macchiato. when I go too long without consuming a heavily caffeinated, venti SOMETHING, I get a splitting headache and I grow a third arm that pops out from my stomach, beats people to death, and steals their coffee. (Caffeine addiction GETS what caffeine addiction WANTS).
One of the reasons I have supported Starbucks for so long is the sheer temerity of building a business around selling a thimble full of coffee and a cup of steamed milk for FIVE DOLLARS! You have to respect that level of audacity. (How do you say chutzpah in Fritalian?). The latest promotion is a drink called the "skinny latte." This beverage has no sugar so, whereas a normal latte contains 1,562 calories, the skinny latte only has 984. This is welcome news to the 84% of America that is disgustingly obese (this figure is based on a scientific observation I recently performed in a local Wal-Mart) because now we can all have an extra toffee-nut-powdered-donut-pancake-surprise with our morning lattes.
Now that the health revolution has hit Starbucks, it is only a matter of time before the company finds a Jared-like spokesman to promote the skinny latte. This spokesman must be a charismatic, formerly obese man who has shed hundreds of pounds by drinking 3 skinny lattes a day (and injecting himself with heroine. But, like Subway, I am guessing they won't mention the heroine part in the commercials). Except for the charisma, the "formerly," the shedding hundreds of pounds, and the heroine, I fit the spokesman description perfectly. I have therefore made it my mission to land this role and have officially embarked on the skinny latte diet. I will keep you updated on my progress (and/or severe illness and ensuing lawsuit against Starbucks for blatant failure to warn the public not to go on a skinny latte diet).
Comments