Staunchly Opposing Romance
Posted by Doug Groene at 2/20/2008 10:28 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: STAUNCHLY (stawnch'-lee), ADVERB: In a firm, steadfast manner.
Last week I wrote a blog regarding the "romance tax" known as Valentines Day. Readers responded by sending me a great deal of angry e-mail (most of which had return addresses ending in "@hallmark.com"). I want to assure anyone who took exception to my attack on Valentines Day that you are completely and utterly wrong. In fact, I am beginning to see that the problem extends way beyond one day. The entire relationship process is nothing more than a disgraceful, money-making enterprise.
Let's review the life cycle of a typical relationship. First, the woman catches the man's eye and immediately begins to enjoy free drinks, free meals, Valentines presents, and other wooing-related perks. Next, the man proposes to the woman by handing over a godzillion dollar diamond ring. Now the man can finally get in on the freebie action because the couple then throws an engagement party at which all their friends must bring gifts. A year or so later the woman's family forces her friends to fork over more free gifts at a "wedding shower." Next, the couple has a wedding, often paid for by the parents. Here, the couple asserts its complete dominance over the friends by forcing them to dance like chickens... and bring gifts. The couple then waits a while (so that nobody catches on to the nefarious scheme) and then the woman becomes pregnant. This entitles her to a "baby shower" at which her friends must bring... you guessed it... more gifts. About 9 months after strategically becoming pregnant, she gives birth. By this time the couple has almost no friends left. However, the few remaining friends are expected to buy one last gift for the birth, before declaring bankruptcy.
After all that, most couples quit their jobs, sell the thousands of gifts they have accumulated, purchase a house in the Hamptons, and live out their lives quite comfortably with the gift proceeds. But the truly greedy couples will actually get a divorce and start the entire process over with new co-conspirators. This is why I staunchly support a Constitutional Amendment to ban straight marriage.
Last week I wrote a blog regarding the "romance tax" known as Valentines Day. Readers responded by sending me a great deal of angry e-mail (most of which had return addresses ending in "@hallmark.com"). I want to assure anyone who took exception to my attack on Valentines Day that you are completely and utterly wrong. In fact, I am beginning to see that the problem extends way beyond one day. The entire relationship process is nothing more than a disgraceful, money-making enterprise.
Let's review the life cycle of a typical relationship. First, the woman catches the man's eye and immediately begins to enjoy free drinks, free meals, Valentines presents, and other wooing-related perks. Next, the man proposes to the woman by handing over a godzillion dollar diamond ring. Now the man can finally get in on the freebie action because the couple then throws an engagement party at which all their friends must bring gifts. A year or so later the woman's family forces her friends to fork over more free gifts at a "wedding shower." Next, the couple has a wedding, often paid for by the parents. Here, the couple asserts its complete dominance over the friends by forcing them to dance like chickens... and bring gifts. The couple then waits a while (so that nobody catches on to the nefarious scheme) and then the woman becomes pregnant. This entitles her to a "baby shower" at which her friends must bring... you guessed it... more gifts. About 9 months after strategically becoming pregnant, she gives birth. By this time the couple has almost no friends left. However, the few remaining friends are expected to buy one last gift for the birth, before declaring bankruptcy.
After all that, most couples quit their jobs, sell the thousands of gifts they have accumulated, purchase a house in the Hamptons, and live out their lives quite comfortably with the gift proceeds. But the truly greedy couples will actually get a divorce and start the entire process over with new co-conspirators. This is why I staunchly support a Constitutional Amendment to ban straight marriage.
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