Identity Theft Windfall
Posted by Doug Groene at 2/19/2008 5:30 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: WINDFALL (wind'-fawl), Noun: sudden, unexpected gain or good fortune.
Today I received a notice in the mail stating that I may be the victim of identity theft, and I couldn't be happier about it. Apparently, someone stole a hard drive from a certain university I once attended. I don't want to publicly embarrass this college by giving you its name, but here is a clue: It was established in 1789, it is located in our Nation's capital, and the sign in front of it says "Georgetown." For some reason, the stolen hard drive contained my name, address, social security number, major credit card numbers, age, weight, shoe size, number of sexual partners, and favorite color (it's a mauvish teal, for those who were wondering).
I am not yet certain that the hard drive thieves have stolen my identity. For one thing, this blog still sounds very much like it is being written by the real me, though i can't be sure. (NOTE- readers can assume that any future blogs containing inappropriate language and/or bad jokes were written by the identity thief, not by the real me). Also, I have not noticed anything unusual on my credit card. I took the "complimentary" subscription to the credit reporting company recommended in the notice. By complimentary they mean I can check my credit report whenever I want so long as I make 3 "easy payments" of $19.95. This, of course, is far better than the price everyone else pays- 3 "hard payments" of $19.95.
If the thieves do steal my identity, it will be quite a windfall for me. I can simply throw the stack of bills I get each month back into the mail with instructions to forward to the REAL Doug. I can let the identity thief deal with the 30 daily calls I get from collection agencies. I can let the identity thief figure out how to juggle the paltry sums in my bank accounts to pay off massive student loan and credit card debt. I can laugh as the identity thief suffers the frustration of being rejected for credit and new accounts. In fact, I am quite sure that after a few months the identity thief will be offering to pay me large sums of money to take my identity back.
Today I received a notice in the mail stating that I may be the victim of identity theft, and I couldn't be happier about it. Apparently, someone stole a hard drive from a certain university I once attended. I don't want to publicly embarrass this college by giving you its name, but here is a clue: It was established in 1789, it is located in our Nation's capital, and the sign in front of it says "Georgetown." For some reason, the stolen hard drive contained my name, address, social security number, major credit card numbers, age, weight, shoe size, number of sexual partners, and favorite color (it's a mauvish teal, for those who were wondering).
I am not yet certain that the hard drive thieves have stolen my identity. For one thing, this blog still sounds very much like it is being written by the real me, though i can't be sure. (NOTE- readers can assume that any future blogs containing inappropriate language and/or bad jokes were written by the identity thief, not by the real me). Also, I have not noticed anything unusual on my credit card. I took the "complimentary" subscription to the credit reporting company recommended in the notice. By complimentary they mean I can check my credit report whenever I want so long as I make 3 "easy payments" of $19.95. This, of course, is far better than the price everyone else pays- 3 "hard payments" of $19.95.
If the thieves do steal my identity, it will be quite a windfall for me. I can simply throw the stack of bills I get each month back into the mail with instructions to forward to the REAL Doug. I can let the identity thief deal with the 30 daily calls I get from collection agencies. I can let the identity thief figure out how to juggle the paltry sums in my bank accounts to pay off massive student loan and credit card debt. I can laugh as the identity thief suffers the frustration of being rejected for credit and new accounts. In fact, I am quite sure that after a few months the identity thief will be offering to pay me large sums of money to take my identity back.
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