Tips for a Frugal Valentines Day
Posted by Doug Groene at 2/14/2008 4:07 PM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: FRUGAL (froo'-guhl), Adjective: Thrifty; economical; avoiding waste.
When I had no girlfriend, I hated Valentines Day. It never made sense to me that lovers should buy each other gifts and have their own holiday. After all, don't the poor, lonely, single people need the affection more? On Valentines Day, couples should send their single friends flowers and consolation chocolates, perhaps in a box shaped like the number "1." Instead, Valentines Day is all about the rich getting richer- a kick in the teeth to the single people who are forced to endure sickeningly happy couples flaunt their couplehood.
Now that I have a girlfriend, I hate Valentines Day. It is like a romance tax. I am in no mood for love after shelling out $3 for a card about as interesting as a professional soccer game, $30 for some red cardboard with a few pieces of chocolate inside, and $60 for roses that look suspiciously like the ones they sell in 7-11 for $1.99. I am not cheap-- I would just rather spend my money on something more useful, like an XBOX game, hockey tickets, or test prep tutoring, the most useful thing anybody could ever purchase. So as a pubic service, to help us all save a little money, I present the following tips for a frugal Valentines Day:
1.) Flowers come in two types: costly and wild. The wild ones are free. Like wild animals, wild flowers can be found roaming around in nature-- in parks, meadows, and neighbors' yards. Of course, not everyone is aware that wild flowers are free, so you may want to pick them late at night, and avoid doing your Valentines shopping from properties that have large trucks covered in NRA bumper stickers in the driveway.
2.) Two words: cubic zirconium. A good jeweler, armed with a degree in gemology and a microscope, can instantly tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake one. Never date a good jeweler.
3.) February 13th is an excellent day to reevaluate a relationship. Are you really happy? Is this REALLY your soulmate, the one you want to be with for years to come? If not, don't hesitate to dump him or her. After all, if you change your mind, you can always get back together with the person on the 15th.
4.) If you do truly love your boyfriend/girlfriend, propose and plan a romantic, February 14th wedding. This way, your Valentines dinner and your anniversary dinner will forever be consolidated into one check. For the hat trick, try to conceive a child in mid-May. This increases the chances that the child will be born 9 months later, on February 14th, and each year you can celebrate Valentines Day, your anniversary, and your child's birthday in one glorious trip to Applebees.
5.) It's the thought that counts, so always think expensive thoughts.
When I had no girlfriend, I hated Valentines Day. It never made sense to me that lovers should buy each other gifts and have their own holiday. After all, don't the poor, lonely, single people need the affection more? On Valentines Day, couples should send their single friends flowers and consolation chocolates, perhaps in a box shaped like the number "1." Instead, Valentines Day is all about the rich getting richer- a kick in the teeth to the single people who are forced to endure sickeningly happy couples flaunt their couplehood.
Now that I have a girlfriend, I hate Valentines Day. It is like a romance tax. I am in no mood for love after shelling out $3 for a card about as interesting as a professional soccer game, $30 for some red cardboard with a few pieces of chocolate inside, and $60 for roses that look suspiciously like the ones they sell in 7-11 for $1.99. I am not cheap-- I would just rather spend my money on something more useful, like an XBOX game, hockey tickets, or test prep tutoring, the most useful thing anybody could ever purchase. So as a pubic service, to help us all save a little money, I present the following tips for a frugal Valentines Day:
1.) Flowers come in two types: costly and wild. The wild ones are free. Like wild animals, wild flowers can be found roaming around in nature-- in parks, meadows, and neighbors' yards. Of course, not everyone is aware that wild flowers are free, so you may want to pick them late at night, and avoid doing your Valentines shopping from properties that have large trucks covered in NRA bumper stickers in the driveway.
2.) Two words: cubic zirconium. A good jeweler, armed with a degree in gemology and a microscope, can instantly tell the difference between a real diamond and a fake one. Never date a good jeweler.
3.) February 13th is an excellent day to reevaluate a relationship. Are you really happy? Is this REALLY your soulmate, the one you want to be with for years to come? If not, don't hesitate to dump him or her. After all, if you change your mind, you can always get back together with the person on the 15th.
4.) If you do truly love your boyfriend/girlfriend, propose and plan a romantic, February 14th wedding. This way, your Valentines dinner and your anniversary dinner will forever be consolidated into one check. For the hat trick, try to conceive a child in mid-May. This increases the chances that the child will be born 9 months later, on February 14th, and each year you can celebrate Valentines Day, your anniversary, and your child's birthday in one glorious trip to Applebees.
5.) It's the thought that counts, so always think expensive thoughts.
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