Gravity and Clemens' Butt
Posted by Doug Groene at 2/13/2008 9:18 AM and is filed under uncategorized 
Word of the Day: GRAVITY (grav'-i-tee), Noun: Seriousness or importance.
I don't usually watch CSPAN. But today all 886 other channels on my cable system suddenly went off the air, the remote control was nowhere to be found, and a gang of CSPAN thugs broke into my house, tied me to my couch, and taped my eyelids open. So I reluctantly watched.
The reason I don't sit around watching Congress on CSPAN is that Congressmen are constantly babbling about trivial issues like the national debt, social security, crime, how to prevent foreigners from blowing us up, and which foreigners we should be blowing up. YAWN. But today, the U.S. Senate finally took on an issue that has some gravity: whether Yankee's pitcher Roger Clemens took steroids. Finally, our tax dollars are being spent on something truly important.
The controversy seems to center around Clemens' butt. (No, that is NOT the word of the day). Clemens' trainer, Bryan "wormtail" Mcnamee claims he injected Clemens' butt with human growth hormone, a performance enhancing drug. Clemens claims the injections were wholesome shots of vitamin B-12. Imagine Clemens' embarrassment when the Senators informed him that Centrum now makes vitamins in pill form that you can just swallow. Wormtail also claimed that he gave human growth hormone to Clemens' wife, a model, to help her get in shape for a photo shoot in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This, of course, is an obvious lie. Everyone knows that human growth of any sort is the surest way to kill a modeling career.
If you are wondering what any of this has to do with the United States Senate, you are not alone. The only connection I can think of is former Senator Bob Dole, who is the spokesman for his own performance enhancing drugs. In any event, after four hours of testimony it was still unclear who won the lying contest. But the true winner was CSPAN, which broke its all-time, single day ratings record with well over 17 viewers. Speaking of gravity and butts, while the rest of the Senate was distracted by baseball, Hillary Clinton elected herself Grand Imperial Queen Goddess of the United States.
I don't usually watch CSPAN. But today all 886 other channels on my cable system suddenly went off the air, the remote control was nowhere to be found, and a gang of CSPAN thugs broke into my house, tied me to my couch, and taped my eyelids open. So I reluctantly watched.
The reason I don't sit around watching Congress on CSPAN is that Congressmen are constantly babbling about trivial issues like the national debt, social security, crime, how to prevent foreigners from blowing us up, and which foreigners we should be blowing up. YAWN. But today, the U.S. Senate finally took on an issue that has some gravity: whether Yankee's pitcher Roger Clemens took steroids. Finally, our tax dollars are being spent on something truly important.
The controversy seems to center around Clemens' butt. (No, that is NOT the word of the day). Clemens' trainer, Bryan "wormtail" Mcnamee claims he injected Clemens' butt with human growth hormone, a performance enhancing drug. Clemens claims the injections were wholesome shots of vitamin B-12. Imagine Clemens' embarrassment when the Senators informed him that Centrum now makes vitamins in pill form that you can just swallow. Wormtail also claimed that he gave human growth hormone to Clemens' wife, a model, to help her get in shape for a photo shoot in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This, of course, is an obvious lie. Everyone knows that human growth of any sort is the surest way to kill a modeling career.
If you are wondering what any of this has to do with the United States Senate, you are not alone. The only connection I can think of is former Senator Bob Dole, who is the spokesman for his own performance enhancing drugs. In any event, after four hours of testimony it was still unclear who won the lying contest. But the true winner was CSPAN, which broke its all-time, single day ratings record with well over 17 viewers. Speaking of gravity and butts, while the rest of the Senate was distracted by baseball, Hillary Clinton elected herself Grand Imperial Queen Goddess of the United States.
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